Finding balance at the Equinox
Today is the autumn equinox, when it feels as if the Earth rests for a moment on its axis, perfectly in balance before it rolls onward into the long nights of winter. The day is still and sunlit. September is rusting the heavy green trees, and the scarlet leaves are already falling from the Virginia creeper which licks up the castle wall like tongues of heatless fire.
Unlike the day, I have been feeling very un-balanced recently. And it’s not just the flashes of vertigo caused by a wonky head! Our boys are both at boarding school during the week now, which is focussing my thoughts on what to do with increased free time.
I never find myself bored. On top of the normal household tasks, there is more that could be done as lady of a castle than I can ever manage: I could, had I the drive, be clearing rooms, restoring pictures, making jam, cataloguing the library, researching family manuscripts, making curtains, harvesting the garden… plus I need, as a means of maintaining sanity, to take myself off to my little studio room to paint and create on an almost daily basis.
And it is essential to make space to walk in the woods with the dogs, watching the red squirrels burying their cache of beech nuts and thrilling at the music of the migrating geese overhead. I don’t need the latest craze for classes in Mindfulness and Gratefulness. My lessons are all around me.
All the time, however, I am aware that most people are working harder than me. I’ve been very lucky that, in the past five years of health difficulties (with brain injury leading to M.E.), I have not been trying to hold down paid employment: it would have been impossible. Now, though, I’m beginning to peer over the parapet and wonder whether I dare to/ ought to take more on. One or two friends have been dropping brick-like hints that I should re-join this or that pet committee of theirs, and I’m reluctantly wondering if I should. Certainly I have been feeling better in the past two months than I did last year, thank heavens, although the pattern of effects of an auto-immune disorder like M.E. is unpredictable, making me wary of new commitments. Over-doing it one week (e.g. going out for two evenings in the week) can still lead to exhaustion the next.
But friends and acquaintances do not see the battles one fights with ‘invisible injuries’ like brain trauma or M.E./ CFS. They only see that I am not doing a job as such, and that I don’t entertain much, and that therefore I am not pulling my weight in society. And the thing is, I am beginning to wonder whether I agree with them.
This is good; it’s a sign that I’m feeling better than I have for a fair while. Thus I find myself approaching a crossroads. Notwithstanding the odd bit of voluntary work (and even committee membership – and oh, how I loathe committees, no matter how good the cause and pleasant the members), is it acceptable for an educated woman of my generation to make her home and family her whole focus? Can I justify using free time to work on my attempts at art and writing? Or would it be better for ‘society’, and indeed for my own self-esteem, if I tried to get back into the job market and earn my keep? Sorry, I’ve wrestled with this before on Dancing Beastie, I know, yet still find myself torn. Meanwhile – and more to the point – while I ponder that, do I have to take on more of those blessed committees?
Forgive me for airing these very first-world problems: I do know what a privilege it is to have a career crisis of this sort! I also know that any responses I receive from you are likely to be sensible, pithy and wise.
At the start of the year, a very wise woman told me that understanding what to do with one’s gifts and abilities is something not to be rushed. It is like a long labour, she said, taking its own time. It’s just that at my age I would really like to have figured it out by now – and while I search, or wait, or whatever I’m meant to be doing, I feel off-balance, thrown sideways by the expectations and insinuations of others.
Outside, meanwhile, as the sun sets behind the hills, the Earth on the cusp between summer and winter is perfectly balanced. It has been another beautiful day.
You might enjoy The last of summer ,